Content warning: Sex, Rape Culture, Transphobia, Cissexism, Homophobia, Fatphobia, Negative Body Image, Colorism, Religion, brief Racism and Islamophobia
How does sex work?
Does sex involve two adults kissing,
Then lying naked under blanket?
Is that it?
What rape looks like?
Is it like hitting or slapping another person?
Then why does it call rape?
And why is it an awful crime?
Why does rape only happen between man and woman?
And what is sodomy, and what’s the difference with rape?
If rape only involves a man and a woman,
How come the news said that a man had raped a boy?
So how does rape between two birds look like?
Another news said that an old woman raped a young man
Grandma said it’s impossible
But how grandma?
Grandma just said it’s because a woman has a vagina
And a vagina can not rape
Why I have a dark skin?
Dark skin is ugly
They said I had become darker because I played too much under the sun
But I don’t think I play that much
Especially compare to my friends
Who play longer under the sun
Yet their skin is lighter than me
So why my skin is so dark?
I hate my skin
People comment on it so much
I hate it
I hate it everytime they say my skin is so dark
At least they say I’m a sweet dark-skinned girl
That’s a good thing
That I’m still pretty or sweet even though I have a dark skin
So I hope
These soap, body lotion, and face cleaner
Will make my skin light again
And I will be completely beautiful
I love my church’s library
I love reading books
I especially love reading biographies
I admire Elizabeth I, Anne Frank, Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, R.A. Kartini, and many more
There are more male scientists than female?
Why there are more male politicans than female?
Why Indonesia has more male warriors than female?
Is it because women are more stupid than men?
Why Henry VIII doubted her daughter,
When in the end her era was hailed as The Golden Age?
Why Kartini’s father didn’t let her study?
But I can study at school now
So women and men are equal now
Then why the newspaper said some people killed their daughter in China?
Why sons are more desirable than daughters?
Why women are weak?
Why all women can not be strong like Mulan and Elizabeth I?
Wh women have to be so girlish?
Why they have to be the princesses and not the warriors?
I don’t want to become a princess anymore
Why some of my friends like those K-Pop boybands?
They all look like girls and too pretty for men
And they look like gay too
Shit, are they really gay?
I hate gay people
They are disgusting
Being a homosexual is a sin
So is being a transgender, or transsexual, whatever
Drag queens are funny
Men crossdressing as women and acting feminine are funny
I watch a Korean Drama
It’s so good
Hey, those Korean guys are not that bad
They’re not too pretty after I look at them again
Those Korean guys are still men
Which is odd
I’m neither a feminine girl, nor a tomboy
So what does that make me?
Am I really a woman?
But I’m not really a man
But a woman is not enough to describe me
But there is not other option
So I guess I settle for a woman now
It doesn’t make sense
They said God loves us all
But why some of us are poor?
Why are there disabled people?
If God loves them
Why He gave them poverty and disability?
Sunday school teachers I should be grateful
That I have the ability to see, walk, and hear
Should those who don’t have my ability not grateful?
Should poor people not be grateful?
And why is God a He?
Why God has gender and a penis?
If angels do not have gender or genitalia
Then why God has it?
And why God only make men as prophets?
Why is there no female prophet?
Now, I doubt God
But I’m afraid of hell
Please, I don’t want to be an atheist
Please God, make me believe in you again
Because I don’t want to go to hell
Wearing short pants is so uncomfortable
I don’t want people to think that I’m a slut
I hate my breasts too
That some of the boys are talking about my breasts
How they are quite big for a girl on my age
And how big breasts make you a slut
Or someone who has done sex
By the way
Why sex makes people pregnant?
Is it because it’s not their first time anymore?
Why period is a sign that you’re not pregnant?
And by the way
I hope there are ways
For my breasts to stop jiggling when I run
That is why I hate sport and P.E so much
And why I can not connect with my friends?
Why am I such a freak?
Why I can not like things my friends like?
I will start reading magazine tomorrow
So I will know the latest trend
Why is being a homosexual or bisexual is a sin?
When being a homo or a bi is about love?
Is a love between two people from the same gender different between a man and a woman?
What makes them different?
And I guess
It’s okay if people are becoming transgender
Sometimes you’re just born in a different body
I’m okay with them
As long as gay people do not kiss in front of me
And trans people look like natural people
Oh, I don’t like pink anymore
It’s too girly
I have enough
With these lies
From my church and other Christians I know in my life
Believing in God
Or having a religion
Do not make you a better person
Atheists and agnostics are smarter than believers
Now having a religion and believe it do not make sense to me
Why people believe in religion?
That’s like believing the plotholes on cliché movies
I’m still confused though
Between atheism or agnosticism
But I guess I just stop being a Christian now
When did I become so fat?
I hate girly girls
They are weaklings
And bring shame to other women
Especially strong women
Who have fought for equality
It’s so disgusting
My body, I mean
The marks, the hair, the fat, my pimples
And why do I like eating so much?
I feel like I always hungry
Why is my body so slow and un-athletic?
Mother said it will be hard for boys to notice me
I don’t want that
I don’t want to get married or having kids
But I still want a relationship and falling in love
So I exercise
But it’s so tiring
And there’s no change on my body
They said doing sport will make you happy
But it makes me so tired
Not even an ounce of happiness
Why doing sport makes me so tired?
And it’s so hard to eat less food
I hate it
I wish I could have a better body
I wish I could have a better chance to have a romantic relationship
I’m an agnostic now
And I’m an asshole
For expecting gay people to act straight
And trans people to pass as cis people
Gay people should kiss whereever and whenever they want
And trans people should look whatever the fuck they want
There is nothing funny about drag queens and “feminine” men
Why girls are dressing like a slut?
Are they asking for rape?
And how dare those women
When sex evantually will produce a child?
Abortion is a murder
Here we go again
Black people talking about racism
MLK happened, black people already can vote
Racism is over
Damn black people whining about racism
And not all Muslims are dangerous
But we all should wary about them
After all, most terrorists come from Muslims
Why society overrates romantic relationship so much
And put friendship under it?
Friendship is not less or better than romantic relationship
Seventeen going on Eighteen
I finally found a name for my “gender feeling”
It’s called demi girl
What the hell, I will settle for queer woman for now
It’s okay if I date a girl,
If I can have a healthy friendship with my girl friends
Then I definitely can have a healthy romantic relationship with a girl
After all, gender is not important when it comes to love
(In a way, I guess)
Not sure about sex though
But I don’t have to find out now
I found myself as an asshole
Clothes are not responsible for rape
People who are pregnant can decide whether they want abortion or not
They are the ones who have authority on their bodies
Not all who can be pregnant are women
And not all women have uterus and womb
Fat people are beautiful and fatphobia is real
It’s okay if I do not love my body
I can feel neutral about it
Racism is not over
And Black Lives Matter
And Muslim doesn’t produce terrorists
We should learn more about colonialism, imperialism, and slavery that have been done by white Christians
It's okay to be a girly girl
It's okay to be a girly girl
Inaccesible places suck
Laziness does not cause poverty
Let’s talk more about classism and ableism
They are important things too
It’s a shame they are not brought up as often as they need
Quota and representation of margineralized groups are important to
Good thing I have not been raped
Considering I have a very awful knowledge about consent, sex, and reproductive stuff
When I was young
Inspired by a beautiful poetry from Kayla Q