Thoughts and Questions While Growing Up

Content warning: Sex, Rape Culture, Transphobia, Cissexism, Homophobia, Fatphobia, Negative Body Image, Colorism, Religion, brief Racism and Islamophobia

 

 

 

 

At five

 

How does sex work?

Does sex involve two adults kissing,

Then lying naked under blanket?

Is that it?

 

At seven

 

What rape looks like?

Is it like hitting or slapping another person?

Then why does it call rape?

And why is it an awful crime?

Why does rape only happen between man and woman?

And what is sodomy, and what’s the difference with rape?

If rape only involves a man and a woman,

How come the news said that a man had raped a boy?

So how does rape between two birds look like?

Another news said that an old woman raped a young man

Grandma said it’s impossible

But how grandma?

Grandma just said it’s because a woman has a vagina

And a vagina can not rape

 

At nine

 

Why I have a dark skin?

Dark skin is ugly

They said I had become darker because I played too much under the sun

But I don’t think I play that much

Right?

Especially compare to my friends

Who play longer under the sun

Yet their skin is lighter than me

So why my skin is so dark?

I hate my skin

People comment on it so much

I hate it

I hate it everytime they say my skin is so dark

But

At least they say I’m a sweet dark-skinned girl

That’s a good thing

That I’m still pretty or sweet even though I have a dark skin

So I hope

These soap, body lotion, and face cleaner

Will make my skin light again

And I will be completely beautiful

 

At ten

 

I love my church’s library

I love reading books

I especially love reading biographies

I admire Elizabeth I, Anne Frank, Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, R.A. Kartini, and many more

But why

There are more male scientists than female?

Why there are more male politicans than female?

Why Indonesia has more male warriors than female?

Why?

Is it because women are more stupid than men?

Why Henry VIII doubted her daughter,

When in the end her era was hailed as The Golden Age?

Why Kartini’s father didn’t let her study?

But I can study at school now

So women and men are equal now

Then why the newspaper said some people killed their daughter in China?

Why sons are more desirable than daughters?

Why women are weak?

Why all women can not be strong like Mulan and Elizabeth I?

Wh women have to be so girlish?

Why they have to be the princesses and not the warriors?

I don’t want to become a princess anymore

 

At eleven

 

Why some of my friends like those K-Pop boybands?

They all look like girls and too pretty for men

And they look like gay too

Shit, are they really gay?

I hate gay people

They are disgusting

Being a homosexual is a sin

So is being a transgender, or transsexual, whatever

Drag queens are funny

Men crossdressing as women and acting feminine are funny

I watch a Korean Drama

It’s so good

Hey, those Korean guys are not that bad

They’re not too pretty after I look at them again

Those Korean guys are still men

Which is odd

I’m confused

I’m neither a feminine girl, nor a tomboy

So what does that make me?

Am I really a woman?

But I’m not really a man

But a woman is not enough to describe me

But there is not other option

So I guess I settle for a woman now

 

At twelve

 

It doesn’t make sense

They said God loves us all

But why some of us are poor?

Why are there disabled people?

If God loves them

Why He gave them poverty and disability?

Sunday school teachers I should be grateful

That I have the ability to see, walk, and hear

Should those who don’t have my ability not grateful?

Should poor people not be grateful?

And why is God a He?

Why God has gender and a penis?

If angels do not have gender or genitalia

Then why God has it?

Why?

Why?

And why God only make men as prophets?

Why  is there no female prophet?

Now, I doubt God

But I’m afraid of hell

Please, I don’t want to be an atheist

Please God, make me believe in you again

Because I don’t want to go to hell

 

At thirteen

Wearing short pants is so uncomfortable

I don’t want people to think that I’m a slut

I hate my breasts too

I know

That some of the boys are talking about my breasts

How they are quite big for a girl on my age

And how big breasts make you a slut

Or someone who has done sex

By the way

Why sex makes people pregnant?

Is it because it’s not their first time anymore?

Why period is a sign that you’re not pregnant?

And by the way

I hope there are ways

For my breasts to stop jiggling when I run

That is why I hate sport and P.E so much

And why I can not connect with my friends?

Why am I such a freak?

Why I can not like things my friends like?

I will start reading magazine tomorrow

So I will know the latest trend

Also

Why is being a homosexual or bisexual is a sin?

When being a homo or a bi is about love?

Is a love between two people from the same gender different between a man and a woman?

What makes them different?

And I guess

It’s okay if people are becoming transgender

Sometimes you’re just born in a different body

I’m okay with them

As long as gay people do not kiss in front of me

And trans people look like natural people

Oh, I don’t like pink anymore

It’s too girly

 

At fourteen

 

I have enough

With these lies

Or ignorance

From my church and other Christians I know in my life

Believing in God

Or having a religion

Do not make you a better person

Atheists and agnostics are smarter than believers

Now having a religion and believe it do not make sense to me

Why people believe in religion?

That’s like believing the plotholes on cliché movies

I’m still confused though

Between atheism or agnosticism

But I guess I just stop being a Christian now

When did I become so fat?

I hate girly girls

They are weaklings

And bring shame to other women

Especially strong women

Who have fought for equality

 

At fifteen

 

It’s so disgusting

My body, I mean

The marks, the hair, the fat, my pimples

And why do I like eating so much?

I feel like I always hungry

Why is my body so slow and un-athletic?

Mother said it will be hard for boys to notice me

I don’t want that

I don’t want to get married or having kids

But I still want a relationship and falling in love

So I exercise

But it’s so tiring

And there’s no change on my body

They said doing sport will make you happy

But it makes me so tired

Not even an ounce of happiness

Why doing sport makes me so tired?

And it’s so hard to eat less food

I hate it

I wish I could have a better body

I wish I could have a better chance to have a romantic relationship

 

At sixteen

 

I’m an agnostic now

And I’m an asshole

For expecting gay people to act straight

And trans people to pass as cis people

Gay people should kiss whereever and whenever they want

And trans people should look whatever the fuck they want

There is nothing funny about drag queens and “feminine” men

But

Why girls are dressing like a slut?

Are they asking for rape?

And how dare those women

Do abortion,

When sex evantually will produce a child?

Abortion is a murder

Here we go again

Black people talking about racism

Shut up!

MLK happened, black people already can vote

Racism is over

Damn black people whining about racism

And not all Muslims are dangerous

But we all should wary about them

After all, most terrorists come from Muslims

Why society overrates romantic relationship so much

And put friendship under it?

Friendship is not less or better than romantic relationship

 

Seventeen going on Eighteen

 

I finally found a name for my “gender feeling”

It’s called demi girl

Or genderflux

Or genderfluid

What the hell, I will settle for queer woman for now

It’s okay if I date a girl,

If I can have a healthy friendship with my girl friends

Then I definitely can have a healthy romantic relationship with a girl

After all, gender is not important when it comes to love

(In a way, I guess)

Not sure about sex though

But I don’t have to find out now

Once again

I found myself as an asshole

Clothes are not responsible for rape

Rapists are

People who are pregnant can decide whether they want abortion or not

They are the ones who have authority on their bodies

Not all who can be pregnant are women

And not all women have uterus and womb

Fat people are beautiful and fatphobia is real

It’s okay if I do not love my body

I can feel neutral about it

Racism is not over

And Black Lives Matter

And Muslim doesn’t produce terrorists

We should learn more about colonialism, imperialism, and slavery that have been done by white Christians

It's okay to be a girly girl

Inaccesible places suck

Laziness does not cause poverty

Let’s talk more about classism and ableism

They are important things too

It’s a shame they are not brought up as often as they need

Quota and representation of margineralized groups are important to

Good thing I have not been raped

Or pregnant

Considering I have a very awful knowledge about consent, sex, and reproductive stuff

When I was young

 

Inspired by a beautiful poetry from Kayla Q