Lagu Galau Korea (KPop) Part II (Sad Korean/KPop songs)

Disclaimer: Post ini cuma buat menaikan angka pengunjung, haha.

This post is used to increase my blog's view.

Akdong Musician - Time and Fallen Leaves

Baekhyun - Beautiful (OST. EXO NEXT DOOR)

Baek Ji Young - Don't Forget (OST. IRIS)

Big Bang - If You

Big Bang - Let's Not Fall In Love

B2ST - Butterfly

BTS - Butterfly (prologue ver.)

BTS - Love is not over

Block B - A Few Years Later

Block B - Toy

Davichi - This Love (OST. Descendants of the Sun)

Epik High - Umbrella

Epik High - Spoiler

Epik High - Happen Ending

Epik High - Eyes Nose Lips (cover)

EXO - Don't Go

EXO - Miracles of December

EXO - Sing For You

EXO - Promise 2014

G-Dragon - That XX

G-Dragon - Missing You

Hyukoh - Little Girl (OST. Reply 1988)

iKon - Apology

Jungkook feat. Rap Monster - Fools (Troye Sivan's cover)

Kim Dong Ryul - Etude of Memory (OST. Architecture 101)

Kim Dong Ryul - Drunken Truth

Kim Kwang Seok - A Love That is Too Painful is Not Love (OST. The Classic)

Kim Kwang Seok - The Private's Letter

Kim Hyun Sik - Like Rain Like Music

Kim Hyun Sik - My Love by My Side

Kyuhyun - At Gwanghwamun

LeeSsang - LeeSsang Blues (soundtracknya Running Man, haha)

Lee Hi - Breathe

Lee Sora & Kim Hyun Chul - The Blue in You (OST. The Blue in You)

Lyn - You are my destiny (OST. You Who Came From The Star)

Mino feat. Taeyang - Fear (Show Me the Money 4)

The One - Winter Love (OST. That Winter, The Wind Blows)

Park Bo Ram - Hyehwadong (OST. Reply 1988)

Red Velvet - One of These Nights

Shin Hae Chul - Don't Be Sad

Suga - So Far Away (Mixtape)

Suzy - When We Were (OST. Uncontrollably Fond)

Taeyang - Eyes Nose Lips

Taeyang - Love You To Death

Taeyeon - Rain

Taeyeon & Jonghyun - Breath (SM The Ballad)

Urban Zakapa - I Don't Love You

Winner - Empty

Winner - Different

Winner - I'm Young

Wonder Girls - Why So Lonely?

Woohyun - Still I Remember

XIA - How Can I Love You (OST. Descendants of the Sun)

Yoon Mi Rae - Always (OST. Descendants of the Sun)

Yurisangja - Can I Love You? (OST. Lovers in Paris)

Bonus: Lay & Kris - Rainbow (Jay Chou's cover)

Thoughts and Questions While Growing Up

Content warning: Sex, Rape Culture, Transphobia, Cissexism, Homophobia, Fatphobia, Negative Body Image, Colorism, Religion, brief Racism and Islamophobia

 

 

 

 

At five

 

How does sex work?

Does sex involve two adults kissing,

Then lying naked under blanket?

Is that it?

 

At seven

 

What rape looks like?

Is it like hitting or slapping another person?

Then why does it call rape?

And why is it an awful crime?

Why does rape only happen between man and woman?

And what is sodomy, and what’s the difference with rape?

If rape only involves a man and a woman,

How come the news said that a man had raped a boy?

So how does rape between two birds look like?

Another news said that an old woman raped a young man

Grandma said it’s impossible

But how grandma?

Grandma just said it’s because a woman has a vagina

And a vagina can not rape

 

At nine

 

Why I have a dark skin?

Dark skin is ugly

They said I had become darker because I played too much under the sun

But I don’t think I play that much

Right?

Especially compare to my friends

Who play longer under the sun

Yet their skin is lighter than me

So why my skin is so dark?

I hate my skin

People comment on it so much

I hate it

I hate it everytime they say my skin is so dark

But

At least they say I’m a sweet dark-skinned girl

That’s a good thing

That I’m still pretty or sweet even though I have a dark skin

So I hope

These soap, body lotion, and face cleaner

Will make my skin light again

And I will be completely beautiful

 

At ten

 

I love my church’s library

I love reading books

I especially love reading biographies

I admire Elizabeth I, Anne Frank, Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, R.A. Kartini, and many more

But why

There are more male scientists than female?

Why there are more male politicans than female?

Why Indonesia has more male warriors than female?

Why?

Is it because women are more stupid than men?

Why Henry VIII doubted her daughter,

When in the end her era was hailed as The Golden Age?

Why Kartini’s father didn’t let her study?

But I can study at school now

So women and men are equal now

Then why the newspaper said some people killed their daughter in China?

Why sons are more desirable than daughters?

Why women are weak?

Why all women can not be strong like Mulan and Elizabeth I?

Wh women have to be so girlish?

Why they have to be the princesses and not the warriors?

I don’t want to become a princess anymore

 

At eleven

 

Why some of my friends like those K-Pop boybands?

They all look like girls and too pretty for men

And they look like gay too

Shit, are they really gay?

I hate gay people

They are disgusting

Being a homosexual is a sin

So is being a transgender, or transsexual, whatever

Drag queens are funny

Men crossdressing as women and acting feminine are funny

I watch a Korean Drama

It’s so good

Hey, those Korean guys are not that bad

They’re not too pretty after I look at them again

Those Korean guys are still men

Which is odd

I’m confused

I’m neither a feminine girl, nor a tomboy

So what does that make me?

Am I really a woman?

But I’m not really a man

But a woman is not enough to describe me

But there is not other option

So I guess I settle for a woman now

 

At twelve

 

It doesn’t make sense

They said God loves us all

But why some of us are poor?

Why are there disabled people?

If God loves them

Why He gave them poverty and disability?

Sunday school teachers I should be grateful

That I have the ability to see, walk, and hear

Should those who don’t have my ability not grateful?

Should poor people not be grateful?

And why is God a He?

Why God has gender and a penis?

If angels do not have gender or genitalia

Then why God has it?

Why?

Why?

And why God only make men as prophets?

Why  is there no female prophet?

Now, I doubt God

But I’m afraid of hell

Please, I don’t want to be an atheist

Please God, make me believe in you again

Because I don’t want to go to hell

 

At thirteen

Wearing short pants is so uncomfortable

I don’t want people to think that I’m a slut

I hate my breasts too

I know

That some of the boys are talking about my breasts

How they are quite big for a girl on my age

And how big breasts make you a slut

Or someone who has done sex

By the way

Why sex makes people pregnant?

Is it because it’s not their first time anymore?

Why period is a sign that you’re not pregnant?

And by the way

I hope there are ways

For my breasts to stop jiggling when I run

That is why I hate sport and P.E so much

And why I can not connect with my friends?

Why am I such a freak?

Why I can not like things my friends like?

I will start reading magazine tomorrow

So I will know the latest trend

Also

Why is being a homosexual or bisexual is a sin?

When being a homo or a bi is about love?

Is a love between two people from the same gender different between a man and a woman?

What makes them different?

And I guess

It’s okay if people are becoming transgender

Sometimes you’re just born in a different body

I’m okay with them

As long as gay people do not kiss in front of me

And trans people look like natural people

Oh, I don’t like pink anymore

It’s too girly

 

At fourteen

 

I have enough

With these lies

Or ignorance

From my church and other Christians I know in my life

Believing in God

Or having a religion

Do not make you a better person

Atheists and agnostics are smarter than believers

Now having a religion and believe it do not make sense to me

Why people believe in religion?

That’s like believing the plotholes on cliché movies

I’m still confused though

Between atheism or agnosticism

But I guess I just stop being a Christian now

When did I become so fat?

I hate girly girls

They are weaklings

And bring shame to other women

Especially strong women

Who have fought for equality

 

At fifteen

 

It’s so disgusting

My body, I mean

The marks, the hair, the fat, my pimples

And why do I like eating so much?

I feel like I always hungry

Why is my body so slow and un-athletic?

Mother said it will be hard for boys to notice me

I don’t want that

I don’t want to get married or having kids

But I still want a relationship and falling in love

So I exercise

But it’s so tiring

And there’s no change on my body

They said doing sport will make you happy

But it makes me so tired

Not even an ounce of happiness

Why doing sport makes me so tired?

And it’s so hard to eat less food

I hate it

I wish I could have a better body

I wish I could have a better chance to have a romantic relationship

 

At sixteen

 

I’m an agnostic now

And I’m an asshole

For expecting gay people to act straight

And trans people to pass as cis people

Gay people should kiss whereever and whenever they want

And trans people should look whatever the fuck they want

There is nothing funny about drag queens and “feminine” men

But

Why girls are dressing like a slut?

Are they asking for rape?

And how dare those women

Do abortion,

When sex evantually will produce a child?

Abortion is a murder

Here we go again

Black people talking about racism

Shut up!

MLK happened, black people already can vote

Racism is over

Damn black people whining about racism

And not all Muslims are dangerous

But we all should wary about them

After all, most terrorists come from Muslims

Why society overrates romantic relationship so much

And put friendship under it?

Friendship is not less or better than romantic relationship

 

Seventeen going on Eighteen

 

I finally found a name for my “gender feeling”

It’s called demi girl

Or genderflux

Or genderfluid

What the hell, I will settle for queer woman for now

It’s okay if I date a girl,

If I can have a healthy friendship with my girl friends

Then I definitely can have a healthy romantic relationship with a girl

After all, gender is not important when it comes to love

(In a way, I guess)

Not sure about sex though

But I don’t have to find out now

Once again

I found myself as an asshole

Clothes are not responsible for rape

Rapists are

People who are pregnant can decide whether they want abortion or not

They are the ones who have authority on their bodies

Not all who can be pregnant are women

And not all women have uterus and womb

Fat people are beautiful and fatphobia is real

It’s okay if I do not love my body

I can feel neutral about it

Racism is not over

And Black Lives Matter

And Muslim doesn’t produce terrorists

We should learn more about colonialism, imperialism, and slavery that have been done by white Christians

It's okay to be a girly girl

Inaccesible places suck

Laziness does not cause poverty

Let’s talk more about classism and ableism

They are important things too

It’s a shame they are not brought up as often as they need

Quota and representation of margineralized groups are important to

Good thing I have not been raped

Or pregnant

Considering I have a very awful knowledge about consent, sex, and reproductive stuff

When I was young

 

Inspired by a beautiful poetry from Kayla Q

Kalimat-Kalimat Problematic Edisi Indonesia I (Klasisme, Ableism, Homofobia, Transfobia)

Siapa disini yang gak pernah menggunakan kata yang kasar? Kalau lo belum pernah, mendingan lo cepat-cepat ikut programnya NASA karena lo pasti bukan manusia.

Anyway, gue pengen kasih tahu suatu kabar basi: I love to curse. I just love it a lot, especially with the f word (not fork or f****t by the way). Sayangnya, ada saatnya kata-kata yang kita ucapkan merandahkan suatu kelompok. Most of the time, kelompok tersebut adalah kelompok yang mengalami diskriminasi dan opresi, seperti komunitas LGBTQIA+, orang miskin, orang penyandang disabilitas, dll.

Wait,gue bukan ahli social justice!!!  Kata-kata seperti apa yang berkontribusi terhadap opresi kaum termarginalisasi?

Berikut adalah beberapa kata yang tidak boleh digunakan sebagai ejekan.

 

1.       Klasisme

Kata-kata yang berhubungan dengan klasisme adalah miskin, gembel, dsb. Sebenarnya tidak ada yang salah dari orang miskin atau menggunakan kata miskin untuk mendeskripsikan suatu keadaan atau orang. Namun yang bermasalah adalah ketika kita menggunakan kata miskin dan gembel sebagai bahan ejekan.

“Gembel banget sih, lo.”

“Aduh, gue kelihatan kayak orang miskin.”

“Cokelat anti-gembel.”

“Makanya, jadi orang jangan miskin.”

 

Atau ada yang ingat lagu ini?

Jingle bell, jingle bell,

Bapak lo gembel

Kalimat-kalimat seperti itu mengimplikasikan bahwa menjadi miskin adalah sesuatu yang buruk dan memalukan. Bukan berarti kemiskinan adalah sesuatu yang membahagiakan, but is it really awful ketika lo gak mampu beli ayam goreng di restorant fast food? Apakah suatu kesalahan kalau orang pakai barang bekas saudaranya? Apakah orang harus malu karena mereka tinggal di tempat yang kumuh, atau punya rumah yang kecil?

Lama-kelamaan, kita tidak hanya memandang kemiskinan sebagai sesuatu yang buruk, tapi kita memandang orang miskin sebagai sesuatu yang buruk juga. Kita dengan cepat mengeneralisasikan orang miskin sebagai beban masyarakat instead of REAL people yang punya perasaan dan pantas dihormati seperti Bill Gates. Yes, even him.

Menggunakan kata miskin ketika lo sekedar gak bisa beli merchandise terbaru Star Wars atau gak bisa nonton IMAX juga bermasalah. Ada bedanya antara miskin dan bokek. Bokek bersifat semantara, sedangkan kemiskinan sangat jarang bersifat sementara. Selain itu, dengan mudah menggunakan kata bokek, kita undermining atau meremehkan kemiskinan sebenarnya.

Ada bedanya bingung budgeting liburan di luar kota dengan budgeting beli beras dan lauk buat besok.

Selain itu, gue rasa masyarakat yang tidak miskin harus berhenti menggunakan kata gembel. Sama seperti ni***r, re**rd, dan f****t, kata gembel digunakan untuk mendevaluasi sekelompok orang.

 

2.       Ableism

Nah, kata-kata yang bersifat ableist sering muncul ketika kita menabrak orang dan kesusahan berkomunikasi dengan orang.

“Punya mata gak sih lo?!! Jalan lihat-lihat!”

“Ih! Budek banget sih! *teriak*”

“Aduh, ngomong yang keras! Jangan kayak orang bisu!”

“Serem banget dah tuh anak. Kelakuannya kayak orang autis.”

 

Excuse me, tapi memang ada orang yang buta, tuli, bisu, dan autis beneran.

Menabrak orang (most likely) gak sengaja tidak sama dengan tidak bisa melihat atau punya kemampuan melihat yang sangat kecil.

Tidak mendengan perkataan orang dengan jelas tidak sama dengan tuli.

Berbicara dengan suara yang pelan tidak sama dengan bisu.

Berlaku dengan ‘aneh’ tidak sama dengan autis, dan orang pada spektrum autisme tidak menyeramkan.

Menggunakan kata-kata seperti itu memandang disabilitas sebagai sesuatu yang by default tragedi (which supports the trope lebih baik mati daripada menyandang disabilitas (*cough Me Before You *cough)), mendevaluasi orang penyandang disabilitas, dan meremehkan disabilitas sesungguhnya.

Menggunakan disabilitas sebagai metafor pun juga bermasalah.

 

“Dia gagal melihat konsep tersebut.” Tidak, dia gagal memahami konsep tersebut.

“Orang kulit putih memang sering menutup telinga tentang rasisme.” Tidak, orang kulit putih memang sering mengacuhkan rasisme.

“Rezim Soeharto lumpuh di tahun 1998.” Tidak, rezim Soeharto kehilangan kekuasaan di tahun 1998.

 

Dan masih banyak contoh lainnya. Menggunakan disabilitas sebagai metafor tidak hanya mengurangi efek dari disabilitas sesungguhnya, tapi kita juga menyamakan disabilitas sebagai suatu kegagalan untuk memahami sesuatu.  Kenyatannya, orang buta masih bisa berkomunikasi dengan berbicara dan huruf braile. Orang tuli masih bisa berkomunikasi dengan bahasa isyarat dan beberapa bisa membaca bibir. Orang lumpuh yang tidak punya masalah dengan pendengangaran dan penglihatan jelas bisa berkomunikasi, dan beberapa dari mereka bisa bergerak dengan tongkat atau kursi roda. Menggunakan disabilitas sebagai metafor juga membuat kita fokus pada disabilitas seseorang instead of memandang mereka sebagai orang yang komplit dan kompleks. Ini tidak berarti kita harus ignorant atau berpura-pura tidak tahu mengenai disabilitas seseorang, tapi bukan berarti kita berfokus pada itu saja.

Konsep ini juga berlaku pada mental disorder atau disabilitas mental.

“Buset, tuh cewek kelihatannya anorexic.” Gak, gue yakin yang lo maksud adalah cewek itu kelihatan kurus.

“Mood gue kayak orang bipolar deh.” Hanya karena mood lo lagi berantakan untuk sesaat bukan berarti lo punya penyakit bipolar disorder.

“Oh my god, we’re so OCD.” Terobsesi dengan kerapihan dan keteraturan tidak sama dengan punya penyakit OCD.

Ableist slur yang harus dihindari: retard, moron, crippled, imbecile, idiot, cacat. Kata-kata tersebut hanya bisa digunakan komunitas penyandang disabilitas yang terpengaruh. Gunakan kata autis dan disabilitas lainnya untuk mendeskripsikan disabilitas sesungguhnya, dan gunakan kata cacat untuk penyandang cacat saja.

 

3.       Heteronormative (menjadikan heterosexual sebagai “normal” dan lebih baik daripada bentuk seksualitas lainnya)

 

Tadinya gue ingin menggunakan kata queerphobia karena kalau pakai homofobia, bifobia, dan transfobia kayaknya kepanjangan. Tapi gue belum paham dengan istilah queer secara dalam dan istilah tersebut punya makna yang terlalu panjang. Setelah itu gue sadar gue masih kurang bisa membedakan heteronormative dan homofobia. So, that’s why the title is so long, lol.

 

“Cowoknya* ganteng ya, sayang dia gay.” (Come on, bitch. What the fuck is wrong with being gay? Go fuck yourself).

“Eh, mana mungkin Diana (cewek*) pacaran sama Ayu (cewek*)? Gak make sense.”

[Mendeskripsikan penyanyi laki-laki*] “Suaranya dia melelehkan kaum Hawa*.”

“Mana ada kunci sama kunci? Yang ada tuh kunci sama gembok dan begitu seturusnya!” (gue sering baca komen kayak gini di YouTube Indonesia. Don’t worry, Dolores Umbridge tell me not to tell lies.)

*ngomong ke cewek*”Kamu kapan dapet cowok*?”

 

Hari ini kita berkabung karena ini tahun 2016 dan masih banyak orang tidak acknowledging orang non-heterosexual seperti orang homoseksual, biseksual, panseksual, dan aseksual. Semoga jiwa mereka mendapat berkat dari yang kuasa…atau dari internet.

We exist people. We’re not just movie or book’s characters. We are real people in real life with not-so-hetero attraction. Perhaps you communicated with us in your past, perhaps you know us in your present, or perhaps we will meet in the future. We exist.

Homophobic slur yang harus dihindari: faggot, dyke, bencong, lesbong, banci. Gunakan kata gay untuk orang yang 100% gay dan bukan orang yang lo duga gay (I’m looking at you international kpop fans who keeps saying gay-ass band or that band is totally gay). Faggot dan dyke hanya bisa digunakan oleh komunitas LGBTQI+.

 

4.       Transfobia, Cissexism, dan Pemaksaan Peran Gender

Bahasa-bahasa yang excluding orang-orang non-cis (baik itu trans people atau non-binary gender people) bahkan masih susah gue terapkan.

“Hanya wanita yang mengalami menstruasi.”

“Cowok kan udah pasti disunat.”

 “Rahim perempuan adalah organnya yang paling berharga.”

“Yaelah, banci Thailand mah emang cakep, tapi bawahnya…”

Newsflash: tidak semua wanita punya rahim dan tidak semua orang yang punya penis adalah laki-laki. Orang yang punya penis bisa saja transwanita, orang agender, atau orang genderfluid. Orang yang punya ovum bisa saja transpria, orang non-binary gender, atau orang trigender.

Kalimat-kalimat seperti ini tidak hanya meng-exclude orang-orang yang bukan cisgender, tapi mereka bisa menimbulkan gender dysphoria, ataupun stres bagi orang-orang non-cis. Those things are not stuffs that are fun to be handled.

Banyak orang mengatakan bahwa identitas gender seperti spektrum, but my experience is not like that. Contohnya, gue sempat mengidentifikasikan diri gue sebagai non-binary woman. Dua kata itu terlihat sepert oxymoron bukan? Bagaimana mungkin gue bisa menjadi non-binary person dan wanita? Ada salah satu post di Tumblr yang mengatakan bahwa gender itu lebih seperti sphere, kayak yang warna di Paint, tapi yang 3D. Berikut adalah kata-katanya.

 

“If someone isn’t a binary woman, that doesn’t make them less feminine necessary or more masculine. It doesn’t make them slide closer to male on the spectrum. Just like if I make my color slightly different than pink, it’s not necessarily more blue or more green-“ – The Rogue Feminist from tumblr.

“Jika seseorang buka wanita binari (bukan binal loh), itu tidak membuat mereka kurang feminin atau lebih maskulin. Itu tidak membuat mereka lebih dekat ke laki-laki pada spektrum. Sama jika aku membuat warnaku agak berbeda dari pink, itu tidak membuatnya lebih biru atau lebih hijau-“ The Rogue Feminist from tumblr.

 

Get it?

Tidak hanya kalimat-kalimat transfobik yang bermasalah, tapi kalimat-kalimat yang memaksakan peran dan ekspektasi gender pun harus dihentikan.

“Tuh cowok kemayu banget deh.”

“Aduh, cewek kok ketawanya kayak genderuwo gitu.”

 

Emangnya ada yang salah ya kalau cowok tuh ‘kemayu’? Emangnya kalau cowok kemayu, eksistensinya dia membuat lo terancam? Emangnya kalau cewek ketawanya kayak genderuwo, vagina lo bakal menguap kayak barbie gitu? (cr to buzzfeed for that joke)

Gue punya salah satu teman cowok yang di-bully karena dia dipandang sebagai kurang cowok (whatever the fuck that means) daripada rekan-rekan cowoknya. In my opinion, memang dari sananya dia lebih gampang bergaul dengan cewek daripada laki-laki. Fakta itu tidak membuat dia kurang cowok, atau bahkan kurang maskulin.

Gue melihat dia berusaha untuk akrab dengan rekan-rekan cowok di kelas gue. Gue sendiri bisa melihat kadang-kadang dia menyembunyikan rasa sakitnya dia.

Truthfully, some of my classmates think it’s a good idea to make my friend to be manlier or some shit like that. But let’s be real here, membuat dia lebih ‘maskulin’ menghapus sebagian dari jati dirinya. And why would anybody think it’s a good idea to erase a part of someone’s soul, especially if it doesn’t hurt anyone?

Kalau cerita ini gak membuat lo sadar bahaya dari gender roles reinforcement, you’re a hopeless case.

 

Berhubung nih artikel panjang banget, makanya gue bagi jadi dua bagian. Semoga gue bisa update besok ya :p

The Q word

gender.wikia.com

 I'm still alive, people. 

Oh my God,gue gak percaya akhirnya gue nulis setelah ratusan abad. School has been overwhelming. My final year in primary and middle school wasn't even close to what I feel now. Gue juga nemu waktu buat blogging gara-gara ada libur paskah.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but I feel like 22 LGBT+ community has been gaining popularity lately. Dari masalah SGRC sampe perdebatan di TV OON nasional, masalah LGBT+ mulai menarik perhatian masyarakat Indonesia. I'm happy that Indonesia has finally open up about LGBT, meskipun tekanan darah gue naik karena masih banyak stigma, diskriminasi, mitos, dan miskonsepsi mengenai komunitas LGBT+. But, as a Queer woman, gue merasa tertinggal di diskusi ini. In every discussion, literally. Bahkan diskusi yang bersifat edukatif dan positif pun sering banget meninggalkan huruf Q. Gue aja sebagai bagian dari komunitas queer merasa left out, apalagi huruf I dan A yang lebih jarang didiskusikan?

Wait a minute.

What the fuck is queer? Bukannya orientasi seksual cuma ada hetero, bi, lesbian, dan gay, dan identitas gender hanya ada pria* dan wanita*?

Jaman dulu, istilah queer digunakan sebagai slang untuk menghina orang yang bukan cishet dan atau yang ekspresi gender dan orientasinya tidak sesuai dengan ekspektasi masyarakat. Tapi istilah queer telah diklaim kembali sebagai identitas. Menurut gue pribadi, queer adalah identitas seksual yang bukan cisgender dan atau bukan heteroseksual. But in this case, queer merupakan umbrella term untuk orang-orang yang bukan cisgender dan atau hetero, tapi juga bukan bagian dari LGBT. Boleh dibilang seksualitas orang-orang queer lebih kompleks dibandingkan orang gay dan atau orang trans. Bukan berarti orang gay atau trans tidak boleh mengidentifikasikan diri sebagai queer. In short, orang-orang dari komunitas LGBT mungkin juga mengidentifikasikan diri sebagai queer, tapi queer belum tentu bagian dari LGBT.

Sekarang, banyak orang menggunakan queer, genderqueer, dan non-binary gender ketika mereka tidak mengidentifikasikan diri mereka sebagai wanita maupun pria. Banyak juga identitas gender yang sebenarnya termasuk dalam gender non-binari, tapi lebih spesifik. Untuk memperjelas, gue akan menggunakan analogi pelajaran biologi. Zoologi adalah cabang ilmu biologi yang mempelajari binatang. Jadi zoologi merupakan bagian dari biologi, tapi zoologi tidak sama dengan biologi karena biologi merupakan ilmu yang sangat luas.

Berikut adalah beberapa contoh gender non-binari:
Agender: Orang yang tidak punya gender.
Androgyne: Orang yang merasa feminine dan maskulin.
Bigender: Orang yang mengidentifikasikan diri sebagai pria dan wanita.
Demi-boy: Orang yang setengah pria dan setengah selain pria.
Demi-girl: Orang yang setengah wanita dan setengah selain wanita.
Genderfluid: Orang yang gender-nya berubah-ubah. Mereka bisa saja mengidentifikasikan diri sebagai pria lalu berubah sebagai agender.
Genderflux: Orang yang intensitas gender-nya berubah-ubah.
Neutrosis: Orang yang gender-nya netral.
Polygender: Orang yang punya empat gender dan lebih.
Trigender: Orang yang punya tiga gender.

Untuk selebihnya, lu bisa melihat post tumblr ini. Trust me, masih banyak identitas gender yang ada di dunia ini. And they are not trans, woman, or man.

Sekarang setelah lu tahu the Q word, gue harap komunitas queer juga akan dilibatkan dalam diskusi mengenai orang-orang yang bukan cisgender dan hetero. We exist, people. It feels damn lonely when people talk about LGBT yet we are continually erased.

Born (and Nurtured) These Ways

Note:
Cisgender: people whose gender are align with the one they're assigned to.
Het: an acronym of heterosexual.
Cishet: cisgender and heterosexual.
LGBTQ+= Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer.
Transgender: a person whose gender identity is opposite of their assigned gender, regardless the shape of their genitals.
Sex: generally, your genital.
Non-binary gender and genderqueer: a gender outside of the binary system (female, male, and imo, transgender)
Disclaimer: This note only provides rough definitions. For more details, please look up google. 

One of the most common arguments that LGBTQ+ activists use is that LGBTQ+ people are born "this" way. It means that no matter what other people do, their sexual orientation/gender identity/gender expression won't change. Well, it's right...and not right. Because, how do you know for sure that you have explored every part of yourself if you never interact with certain people and idea? 

Like most narcissistic writers do, I will tell you a little part of my life.  I will separate it into two parts.

Part I: A Big Enlightenment 
 
I am raised in a pious Christian family. I loved church, barbie, I hate short hair, and other usual shits. So if I was born this way, then I would certainly be a cishet religious bigot, right? Well, I'm neither of those today. I do not exactly remember what made me becoming sympathetic, accepting, and supporting LGBTQ+ community, nor do I remember when precisely I lost my "femaleness". Heck, I didn't even read Everyday Feminism's stuffs until I'm a senior. But I guess watching Glee (I dislike that show) and Tom Hanks' brilliant performance in Philadelphia forced me to question my opinions. 

I had a long debate with my heart and mind whether LGBT was sinful or not. I'm kinda proud that I made the right choice without consulting with people and reading stuffs on internet or non-internet material. I'm not kidding; my choice to support LGBT(and later Q+) is a result of long-term inner debate. I always split into two sides everytime I debate with myself in my head. Oh, and with a little help from some films. 

Anyway, even after I had decided to support to homosexual relationship, I still struggled with internalized homophobia and misogynistic, like hating on feminine men, two guys kissing in public, slut-shaming on women, etc. This time, I got help from the wonderful Paul Agusta and his husband, Kyo Hayanto, from ask.fm. After that, the second wave of my Enlightenment started and it hasn't finished yet.

Special thanks to Everyday Feminism for widening my horizons.

Part II: To be a girl or not to be a girl

Even before I knew queer/non-binary terms and supporting LGBTQ+, I had stopped feeling 100% girl. Sure, I felt 100% girl when I was in primary school, but that didn't make me a tomboy or a transgender. I also didn't want to change or transform myself as a boy. But there were times when I felt like a boy. It was usually triggered by rock music, wearing jeans while surrounded by pretty dresses, and my disgust for my female peers who stereotyped boys easily. I also sympathized (still so) Tom more than Summer (from 500 Days of Summer).

Yet, the "boy" feeling neither stayed for so long nor significantly deep.

So...I started to feel sad, confused, and angry, because I didn't have label. I wasn't a tomboy, I wasn't a femme, and I wasn't a transgender. I cheered myself up by convincing myself that I was unique because I didn't have any label. However, I always found myself to fall into an urge to have a label, identity, or just some definition about what I felt. 

As time went by, I tried to repress my feeling and accept myself as a "woman". I just realized that I never accepted or saw myself as 100% woman. I never really tried to be more ladylike or master anything that is deemed as necessary for women. It means I was never in war with my gender identity. In fact, the only thing that was in war with me is the term of my gender.  

Then tumblr fell upon me, saving me from the age of darkness. I found new queer/non-binary terms like agender, bigender, etc. For some time, I considered myself as bigender because I couldn't comprehend the feeling of not having a gender. 

A few days later, I became uneasy with bigender. Once again, it was caused by my inability to feel as a man. Then I found a term that definitely settled with me: demigirl. According to gender wikia, demigirl is a gender identity describing someone who partially, but not wholly, identifies as a woman, girl or otherwise feminine, whatever their assigned gender at birth.

Finally.

F I N A L L Y. 

Epilogue: I wasn't born "this" way

I'm not a non-binary gender model, and my story does not represent all queers and or other demigirls. Anyway, there are times when I do not feel having a gender, or when I feel 100% female, then back to demigirl again. Yet, I never state,"Okay, today I'm a female," or,"Hmm, I don't like having gender today." I just go along with my flow, you know. I just realized that I experience agenderness when I looked back at my life...you know, the activity that is done by people with lots of regret...or when they feel like a narrator in a film. So, I think there's a chance that I'm a genderfluid, but I'm not really sure. For now, I settle with non-binary gender.

Oops, pardon me for lack of focus. Since I looked back to my personal quest, I feel that "born this way" shouldn't be a reason to justify gay marriage and so many other LGBTQ+-related things. Somehow, the statement implies that there's only one way to love people, to express yourself, to feel things, and your sexuality can not change. As a result, people whose sexuality constantly changes are deemed as "unstable" or "LGBTQ+ wannabe", etc. Moreover, it can cause hostility to LGBTQ+ who are deemed "going normal" and as a result, there's a chance that those people are labeled as betrayers, traitors, or wannabes.

I do not deny LGBTQ+ whose gender identity or sexual orientation never change since day 1. Nevertheless, there are people who need other people, information, and idea to realize their identities. That's why I and those people weren't born "that" way. We are nurtured and socialized in so many ways. Therefore, some of us can experience a change on our sexuality.

My suggestion is that perhaps it's time to leave "born this way" as a reason to justify gay marriage and LGBTQ+-related things. Not only it will harm some people, but we haven't found a DNA, gene, or parts of our bodies that make us gay, bi, female, or queer. Instead of focusing on "born this way", we should put focus on the fact that us, LGBTQ+, deserve the same rights and respect with cishet people. Our  "strangeness" do not make us any less human than "normal" people and frankly we do not need any reason to justify our identities.

Stuffs I've Done (Because I don't have friend to share about this)

 
Howdy whoever you are! I created a list in March 1st, 2015. So, I decided to update about things that I have and haven't done. Anyway, even if marrying Bennedict Cumberbatch Michael Fassbender isn't in my to-do list, I just got married to him! Marrying Bennedict Michael isn't on my to-do list because I don't want to put the spotlight on my list. In short, just ignore the shit I just write, guys. It's totally not because I'm upset for not watching Mad Max on the cinema. 

So far...

- I haven't watched any series. I only watch bits of The Producer and True Detective.

- I read several chapters of Sense and Sensibility and Animal Farm. Haven't finished both, though.

- I read Gyo and Detroit Metal City, but haven't finished both. Gyo is too disgusting for me while DMC becomes boring after the first four chapters.

- Me and my schooolmates visited two law firms. Fortunately, the lawyers are pretty cool and they allow us to use "lo-gue".

Films I've watched:

• Rashomon (A bit boring, but very ahead of it's time; 4,5/5)
• Three Colors: Red (I like it better than Blue; 4/5)
• Night of the Living Dead (Pioneer; 4/5)
• Hot Fuzz (FUCKIN' AMAZING; 5/5)
• Warm Bodies (Great soundtrack; 3,5/5)
• Cinderella (2015) (A very unrealistic shit; 2/5)
• Winter Light (Through a Glass Darkly has better cinematography; 3,5/5)
• The Others (Boring, even the twist is so last year; 2,5/5)
• Back to the Future (Overrated and overhyped; 3,5/5)
• Pluto (Annoying acting (except from Sung Joon), a bit exaggerating, but very good story and cinematography; 3,5/5)
• X-Men (I never watched this film completely before; 4/5)
• X2: X-Men United (Magneto is so badass; 4/5)
• X-Men: Days of Future Past (One of the best superhero film; 4,5/5)
• The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (Bennedict's voice isn't that sexy; 4/5)
• The Big Lebowski (Now that's a comedy; 5/5)
• Dirty Dancing (The soundtrack and Jennifer Grey-Patrick Swayze couple are hot, but the plot is hot enough to be sent to hell; 3/5)
• X-Men: First Class (or How the kids have to pick between Charles and Erik or McFassy's implicit porn; 3,5/5)
• Shame (I like this film for a shallow reason...lol. But I'm not a big fan of slow build and "observational" film; 3,5/5)
• Infernal Affairs (I have several problems, but that problems do not erase this film from my own "Great Films" list; 4,5/5)
• Furious 7 (A mindless adventure; 2,5/5)
• Obvious Child (I hate the main female, especially her laugh; 3/5)
• M (Bravo for focusing on the social impact; 4,5/5)
• Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging (Can someone shut up this stereotypical and fuckin' stupid girl? 2/5)
• Groundhog Day (Overrated, overhyped, and not funny; 3/5)
• Avengers: Age of Ultron (Why Black Widow's costume looks like Nightwing's? 4/5)
• Hour of the Wolf (Great cinematography, but very boring for a so-called horror fiim; 3,5/5)
• The Truman Show (I wish this film was darker; 4,5/5)
• Frank (Fassy is still hot with a mask; 4/5)
• Die Hard (I never thought I would like this film so much! 4,5/5)
• The Game (Come on Fincher, you tried too fuckin hard; 4/5)
• Pacific Rim (I'm sold for Pacific Rim 2! 4/5)
• Madchen in Uniform (A lesbian film that doesn't really talk about lesbianism; 5/5)
• Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (Great soundtrack, but nothing impressive; 3/5)
• Whiplash (Limp dick; 4,5/5)
• Once (An excellent love story. Recommended (much) for unrealistic people; 4,5/5)
• Guardians of the Galaxy (Cool film, but a bit overhyped; 3,5/5)
• Ain't Them Bodies Saints (The usual festival-bait fiim; 3/5)
• Audition (1999) (The long and boring road to the mindfuck climax isn't worth it for me; 3/5)

The films that wasted my time: Cinderella and Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging.
The films that appreciated my time: Hot Fuzz, The Big Lebowski, and Madchen in Uniform.